he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
