Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
