I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
