i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
