Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
