Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
