I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
