Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
