you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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