insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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