One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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