A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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