One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
