My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
