where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize