My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
