planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
