im six kinds of drunk right now
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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