I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
