hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
