birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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