I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
