the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
