Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
