The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
