but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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