ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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