I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize