I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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