Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
