I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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