I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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