When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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