Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
