Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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