Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
