My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
