I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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