i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
