i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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