She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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