omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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