Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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