it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
