To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
