ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
