I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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