I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
