She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
