i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
