I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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