i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
