Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
