i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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