chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My pussy is not your playground.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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