My nipple is on Facebook.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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