i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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