saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I need to calm my uterus...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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