She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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