Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
