I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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